Thoughts on Nancy's life

How did she end up dead by her own hand?  It was a series of choices that took her journey to this ending point. 

She chose to secretly live with her boyfriend while at college.  I have to wonder why since her parents were probably paying her way to go to FSU and were devout Christians.  Her father was a Music Minister, and I was probably a poorly-kept secret that she was sleeping with her boyfriend wvery night.  her selfishness was showing itself even then. 

She complained about having to live in small towns after she got married.  Brunswick with it's paper mill stink, Decatur, LA, with nothing to do, and other places didn't give her what she saw on TV and read on magazines, which led to complaints and disatiafaction. 

Bentonville was no better, a nowhere town that she hated for a long time.  She developed friendships there, but always pined for the fun that was only available in the big city. 

Over the years she complained about her husband.  How he liked to read at night, which was boring, and how he didn't pay her enough attention in her eyes.  Not enough sex, not enough attention, never enough time, all while he developed a career that helped make the world's biggest retailer what it is today.  She hounded him for being a nice guy at work, for not being more cutthroat, and for not advancing as fast as she thought he should. 

She complained about him keeping the same old car, and for not getting it painted when she wanted him to get it done.  He was always too slow, not thinking right, or something, even though he was an interstate tennis champion, world traveller, and savvy enough to have their house paid off in about 10 years. 

She went on trips to New York City, Europe, and Hawaii, and would complain about the smallest of things.  She taught her daughters that the right way to do dishes was to stack them neatly for the waitress to take them, and thought she was getting her vegetables by eating spinach dip. 

Over and over she displayed her selfishness.  When the 1996 Olympics were held in Atlanta, and the hotel her family was staying at and the events they were going to were less than 30 mnutes from our house, ahe made it clear that wasn't coming to see us, she was coming for the Olympics.  They passed through Atlanta many, many times, but I can only remember one time that ahe let us know enough in advance so we could pack up the babies and rush to the airport to see them. 

She came to our house while she was plotting her divorce. She carried the book "The Good Divorce" around in a Barnes and Noble bag like it was gold, and studied it so she could get the most out of her husband when she left him.  She was encouraged by things she read and by a successful trade-up by her cousin, and began talking about how God wanted her to be happy and fulfilled.  She went on and on about how she wasn't happy and fulfilled and how it wasn't right that everyone had it and she didn't. 

When she announced her divorce I called her and warned her not to infect my wife with her thoughts and ways.  I also told her I didnt want her directly contacting my children, and told her bluntly I didn't want them to catch whatever she had.  For that I was labelled mean and wrong for feeling that way. 

As she lived her new single life she tried to share her thinking with my wife but got nowhere.  During one of her rare visits she told my oldest child that leaving he husband and family waa the "best move she ever made", and did exactly what I was afraid ahe would do:  try to teach my child to think like her.  Luckily he knew and understood and didn't take it in. 

She continued making poor choices.  She spent whatever large amont of money it cost to join eHarmony.com, then spent every minute at our house on the Internet trying to develop online relationships.  She spent money on lots of camera and computer gear that she didn't know how to operate.  She talked about the guys she liked, but they always happened to be married. 

After she had been on her own for a year Nancy sent me a book.  Her note explained that the book had really helped her get to where she was, and she thought I should read it.  I immediately threw it away.  My wife said I was being rude, but after I explained that I didn't want anything that influenced Nancy to make deciaions to even be on our house she understood.  I asked my wife if she would me to send it back with a note of my oqn, and she said no and made the book disappear. 

She said she signed up for a Masters program several times, but then always had some issue and dropped out.  After the second time I asked my wife if she was dong it for relief on her student loans.  After the third time we were pretty sure that's what she was doing. 

Her selfishness led her to leap at the opportunity to go to Costa Rica to teach English as a second language.  By this time she was about to be kicked out of the room she was renting, and she had to beg her friends and family for money to buy a plane ticket.  I wondered then if she was leaving the country to escape her debts. 

She said the rules had changed, but I think that it was more a case of her not understanding that you have to file all the right papers in order to work in a foreign country.  She got to Costa Rica and discovered that her choices had led her to a place where she had nothing, couldn't work, and had to move back Arkansas to be a nanny or something in order to pay for what she had done.  I hate to think this, but I wonder if she found the gun n the homeowner's nightstand because she was looking for something to steal. 

8/26 is the day before the anniversary of her father's death.  That along with everything else was apparently too much for Nancy: even though she had planned her move back to Arkansas and had made appointments for interviews with people she typed up an email trying to justify her decision, explaining that she was broke, homeless, in $18,000 of debt, lonely, tired of trying to find work, and generally hopeless.  She called her life a trainwreck, admitted making poor choices, and said she wanted to see her dad and desperately wanted the peace that only Jesus could give her.  So instead of facing up to what she had done she used someone else's gun to take her own life.  She supposedly used a pillow and a sheet, which means she probably read on the Internet that a pillow muffles the sound and a sheet catches the gore, but someone still had to clean up the mess like the waitress has to take awqy the plates.  And I have to wonder where the bullet ended up. 

Nancy's final sad and selfish act will reverberate in my life for quite some time.  I am spending nearly $2000 and three days of my life taking my famly to a memorial service in Arkansas, and others are spending money or losing money to go to this thing.  I have no desire to be there, but will go for my wife and family. 

Dead by her own hand

Nancy killed herself yesterday.  She used the gun of the man that owns the house she was living and shot herself in the head, apparently using a pillow to muffle the sound and a sheet to catch the gore. And she did it in the back yard so she wouldn't make a mess. 

She leaves behind 2 daughters, age 22 and 20, and a boatload of debt.  This selfish act is the culmination of many selfish acts after she left her family 2+ years ago.  I am saddened by this action and surprised that she had the courage to do it.  A very sad, wasteful, and selfish act.  How's that hope and change working out for you, Nancy?  Apparently not so good...

It's worse that she did it the day before the 35th anniversary of her father's death.  It appears that this anniversary contributed to her proclivity to end her life.  Very sad, and very wasteful after so many years...

Costa Rica job rules changed

My wife told me this morning that Nancy has posted on her Facebook page that the rules have changed and the job she thought she had teaching English as a second language has fallen through.  She says she's broke and doesn't know what she's going to do. 

My first question was about the contract age supposedly signed.  If rule changes are covered then she might have a chance, but I also pointed out that Nancy doesn't have anybmoney to hire a lawyer so it's probably a moot point. 

I am sad that my wife didn't get any sleep after reading this but am not surprised at this outcome.  After telling one of her brothers that "life is too short" to be stuck in a regular job like he is looking for this seems almost poetic, but I don't want to be mean.  She put on her post that she "misses home", which made my wife ask what she was talking about.  Nancy has a lot to learn...

Ants, no cellular, etc.

My wife told me a little about the trials and tribulations Nancy is going through as she gets established in Costa Rica.  Ants in her bathroom and on her toothbrush, no cellular coverage, loud music from the bar next door, and other challenges are complicating her life.  Poor Nancy...

Not visiting us before leaving country

My wife got the call last night at dinner: Nancy will not be stopping
at our house on the way to visit her kids. She told my wife that her
Sunday School class was throwing a "going away" party for her and she
was going to visit with her mother today.

I have to admit that my first thought was that she probably thinks
she'll get some cash from her Church friends, which would be a lot
better than the questions my wife would give her. Oh, well -
unknowing friends are better than family in a situation like this.

Off to Costa Rica

Nancy put on her Facebook wall that she was going to Costa Rica and
would share details later. She called my wife yesterday and said that
she was going to teach English as a second language down there and
rent a room from someone she met down there. No contract, no details,
just statements about how God had answered her prayers and how great
it was going to be.

She nonchalantly said that she was going to turn her car in to the
bank since she couldn't make payments on it anyways and was already
$10,000 behind.

I truly hope she isn't leaving the country to escape paying her
bills. I'm pretty sure Costa Rica has an e tradition agreement with
the United States, and would hate to see her dragged back here by
Federal Marshals to pay her debts or be jailed as a criminal.

What a shame. It saddens me to see her go further down this
destructive path, but I also find it interesting and wonder where she
will stop or if she will atop at all.

She says she's desparate

Last night my wife came to me and said that her sister Nancy was "desparate". She explainedd that Nancy didn't have any money and was not going to have a place to saty after the end of this month.

I told her that we could give her a place to stay for 30 day, but we will not give her any money. I explained that I did not want to enable Nancy to continue down this path of destruction she has chosen. I told my wife that it's hard to watch someone flail around in raging water when you're standing on the rocks, and that Nancy had thrown herself out in the water gleefully and chose to stay out there. I told her that the only thing we could offer was a place of new beginning, not a way to go further down the road of selfishness and self-centeredness Nancy has been running down.

It's hard - Nancy turned Sue down and is talking about moving back to where she lived before, a place that she said she hated because it was a small town. We'll have to see if the Lord can get through to her...

Bankrupt and at the bottom

I learned last month that Nancy was preparing to declare bankruptcy, and that her brother and ex-husband both told her it was a bad move to make. She told my wife that she was going to have to go to whoever's office and get the piece of paper she had signed the day before.

She's come so far down from where she thought she was! I tear up when I think about how great her life was: a husband that would buy her mid-field seats to the football game and deliver them in a model of the stadium, a life where she spent Christmas in New York City, summers on trips to Europe and South America as well as domestic destinations, and an expensive house that was paid for with a pool, two-story veranda, and lots of other amenities, and all the other things she had. She gave this and her two daughters up so she could go and squander her ex-husband's money away on furniture, funished apartments, and trading cars every 6 months until she is at the point of selling her precious photography equipment to thugs in order to buy groceries while she lives for free with a lady she met over the Internet. Wow! What a fall!

Now she's telling my wife about how she's "thinking positive" and using positive affirmations to help bolster her mood. This after she spent the day on the beach with her married guy friend ("just friends!") talking about life. I'm glad my woman sees what is happening for what it is: a sad thing that just gets sadder as Nancy goes further down this path she chose for herself. I think back to when she was plotting her divorce, carrying her guidebook around in a Barnes and Noble bag and telling my wife how horrible her life was, and have to resist laughing and her plight now.

Oh, well. I hope her trouble doesn't come to us as something to help deal with. We'll see...

Why go to Peru with him?

They planned a trip to Peru for the day after Christmas because it's "something we've always wanted to do" and because it's differernt and exciting. Now the youngest daughter has said she doesn't want to go on the trip, and Nancy is letting her stay home alone (with friends nearby, of course). I guess the thing that bothers me is: if she can't stand the guy anymore and is going to divorce him in a year or two, why is Nancy going on this trip? Why would she go and spend time with the man that supposedly doesn't care about her and is just not intimate with her anymore? It's all very odd. I have to hope that the youngest daughter resisted the trip in the hope that this coukd be a time for love to rekindle between Nancy and her husband, but I fear that it is more of a selfish desire to stay away from conditions that are different and not to the younger daughter's liking. It might be that she doesn't want to hear the bickering, too. Who knows? I just know that it's odd for Nancy to be going on such a major trip with the man she is going to divorce soon.

Sorrow for Nancy

I have been aware for quite some time that my sister-in-law is planning on leaving her husband as soon as her youngest daughter is out of the house. It pains me to hear the things she says and then watch her live her life as if nothing is wrong. I find that it is hard not to rant and rave at my wife about the situation, so in an attempt to 'get it out of my system' without ranting at her I will try to post those thoughts here.